Breaking the Silence

I haven't written much in this blog this year. Partially because I've been busy. But more because since last year, my entire life feels like it's become a taboo. So instead of writing about the things that really matter to me, I update people on the mundane aspects of our life. But really, this has been one of the hardest years of my life, and thus also the hardest years of Adam's life as well.

Last year at this time, I remember calling my husband on the phone from Florida and telling him that I had discovered that my mom was having an affair. This year, I went to Florida with my mom and her new (not so new?) boyfriend. In the interim, my parents separated (for the most part) thier lives, thier possessions, and thier children. I became an adult child of divorce.

Most people expect that as an adult child, you shouldn't experience the same negative consequences as younger children. People expect you to be the strong one, to not hurt as much because you've grown up and moved out. People also expect that you shouldn't talk about your grief, because it's unfair to your parents and siblings to draw attention to yourself. You are called upon to be the supporter, the shoulder to cry on, the glue, the impartial observer. I have even been accused by family members of purposely trying to make my parents life difficult simply because of my emotional reaction to the situation. I decided to write this blog, inspired by a caring advisor, other online blogs and support groups, and the book "The Way They Were", because I no longer accept having my feelings and experience invalidated simply because I'm an adult.

I want to say that adult children experience the same negative reaction to divorce as younger children do; it's just different. The grief is far reaching, and for the most part, I've grieved in silence because I felt that I wasn't allowed to be sad or distressed-- after all, I'm an adult! I found also that it comes in waves-- just when I thought my life and my feelings were together again, something would happen and everything seemed to dissolve. Even a year later, I still hurt from time to time. I didn't experience the shock or false belief that most adult children do, believing that my childhood home was perfect and that my parents should never have split. My parents weren't perfect. Thier marriage wasn't perfect. They just did the best they could. But I do miss it. I do feel that my childhood memories have been violated in a way, that everything about my childhood has been a joke. My mom, like many divorcing parents, tried to erase any physical evidence of her former life. I don't blame her-- I would probably do the same. But the result is that the home that I grew up in is gone. It is literally a physically different structure than it was when I lived there, with many decorative and remodeled modifications. People have told me that I'm being overdramatic when I say that I feel like my childhood is gone, but every remnant of the place where I lived has been replaced by something else. The kitchen was remodeled a few years ago, my room redecorated, the floors redone, etc etc. Don't get me wrong, I endorsed these changes. I still do. But I also don't have a home anymore-- the memories I have of my life took place in a different house, with a different family, one that no longer exists.

Also, I have been called upon (not without a lot of acquiecence on my part) to be the primary support of my family. In a way, this never changed-- I was always the control freak of my family. Once I was old enough to drive, I took over a lot of parenting duties as my parents worked longer and longer hours. I was the glue. Again, I don't blame my parents-- I relished it. I know it was an unhealthy role to have as a child, but it gave me meaning in my life, and pride. The fact that I was the one to take the kids to doctors and dentist appointments, go to school functions, cook dinner, etc became as source of unhealthy pride and martyrdom for me. When my parents separated, my role was the same, but different-- I helped my dad move, I helped my mom's boyfriend move, I helped the kids adjust, to the best of my ability. This, too, I discovered, is pretty normal for adult children of divorce. In a way it wasn't hard-- it gave me something to do. Teaching my dad how to cook chicken offered some unique bonding experiences. :) But therapists struggle to get adult children of divorce to set boundaries-- a skill I never mastered (still haven't), and I'm sure in some ways (invisible to me) my own emotional health and marriage have suffered.

Finally, I'm a graduate student. If I'm good at anything, it's multi-tasking, and balencing. I work all the time. I study all the time. I am a super busy lady. I never get to see my husband, and sometimes my family and my emotions get put on hold so I can finish a project, study for an exam, or read something for dissertation. It's a lot to manage. Unlike other people who experience divorce, I often feel like I never had time to grieve. I am a slow but thorough griever. It's been a year and I still struggle. But I feel like I don't have time for this. A lot of times my sadness and hurt comes out in a frenzied tirade about my computer breaking down, getting a B (instead of an A) on an exam, or a professor who's being a jerk. Most times the only time I have alone is the 30 minute drive rushing between campus and my parents houses on the northside, and that's when I cry. I am trying my best. But most of the time "my best" feels inadequate. I feel like I'm never a good enough student, sister, daughter, wife. A lot of that is my own baggage from before the divorce, but some of it is just me, racing against time and ignoring my broken life/heart.

Of course there's a lot more behind all this-- I would be lying if I said I wasn't deeply angry and frusterated with the situation. But I tried to keep this both objective an honest... for once, this is about me, and not my parents. This is about what I feel, not what they did or didn't do. I know that we'll come out on the other side okay. But I, personally, am tired of "faking it" until then. I'm still broken. But today I decided to be honest about it, in hopes that maybe someone would learn soemthing from it, or at least understand me a little bit better. This is where I am.

My funny valentine

I always feel like Valentine's Day is really only acknowledged by two groups of people: Those who are single and feel like everyone else is having the greatest day of thier life, and those who are in a new relationship and really are having the greatest day of thier life. For the rest of us, it's pretty much just an ordinary day. :) But nonetheless, not focusing on valentine's day too much this year made it probably the greatest valentine's day of my life thus far, so here's a rundown of our celebration:

Adam and I have almost never celebrated valentine's day ON valentines day, as a result of the fact that he usually has to work and we both feel like it's just another stupid day anyway. But we do usually use it as an excuse to have an extra-special date night somewhere around Feb. 14th. This year we celebrated by getting couple's massages on Thursday, which was the BEST PRESENT EVER. I suprised Adam with it, but next year we decided to forego the suprise and just make it a tradition. He brought me flowers on Monday and Thursday of this week, so that was lovely :) and on Wednesday I got my real valentine's present, which was a Fruedian magic 8 ball. :) I love it! We also went out to dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant.

The rest of the weekend Adam pretty had to work, but on Friday night I made the most fattening and delicious homemade alfredo sauce, and on Saturday morning some friends and I went to the Indianapolis Winter Farmer's market, which I highly recommend for good bread, tea, and meats! (Not too much produce this time of year, but still a good time.) My favorite part was the highly pissed off rabbit sitting in a cage who's feces were being sold as plant fertilizer.

Saturday night was the Brazilian Carnival adventure-- we went to The Jazz Kitchen in BR for their celebration of Carnival. It was SUPER PACKED. Nonetheless we drank some traditional Brazilian drinks and danced to what appeared to be a soccer team playing in a drum circle. At some point a creepy Brazilian guy started dancing with me, and me being totally naive and unfamiliar with the culture of clubs or Carnival, thought he was just being nice. Of course, before too long he started trying to kiss me, which I akwardly avoided. Then he said "kiss me" and I said, "No! I'm married!" and he said "It's okay, I'm engaged!" and then I ran for the hills. Everyone (including Adam) thought this was hilarious except me.

On actual V-day, my friend Mollie came down, and we ended up meeting Adam after work and my dad at The Claddaugh on the northside, which was nearly deserted. I had the best time drinking beers and laughing it up with good friends and family, and eating the best comfort food in Indianapolis, in my humble opinion. With the olypics on in the background, ridiculous 90s romance music (Think Kaci & Jojo's "All My Life") and hilarious stories going all around, I couldn't have asked for a better (yet unromantic) Valentine's Day. :)

New Office!

So, we finally got around to redoing the office!! We had been meaning to do it for a while, ever since the rabbit started eating huge holes in the carpet in there. It was necessary to put new flooring down. We finally got our new home buyer tax credit, so we bought some high-end laminate flooring. Since I also happened to be on break, I repainted the room. Adam put down the floors ALL BY HIMSELF, and redid all the trim too. :) So now I have a new office for the new semester. If I do say so myself, it looks great! Here are the before and after pictures:

Before:




After:



I love my husband!! And I love my new office!! :)

We made it 2010.

There comes a time in which the circumstances in your life seem so impossible and unpleasant that it becomes difficult to update blogs/send letters/tell others how you are doing. This is that time.

This is the blog entry to let you all know that we are still alive, that Christmas was bearable but not notable, and that the house has not burned down or been consumed by the rabbit (yet).

Better updates to come in 2010. I hope.

Highlights of Our First Thanksgiving

Okay, okay, technically this is our SECOND Thanksgiving as a married couple, but last year at this time we were barely married. Also, this is the first year in our new house, for Thanksgiving, AND the first year I cooked a turkey. It was really fantastic! So I thought I would share some highlights. I am one of those people who love holidays, so even though I was dreading this year, celebrating the first holiday season with my parents separated, it actually wasn't that bad! It was fun to have it at our house, and the food was really good. So here are the highlights:

prepping the turkey:



Hanging out, waiting for the turkey to cook:



First cooked Thanksgiving turkey! I forgot to take the giblets out, but it turned out okay anyway. :)



Sitting down to a small but delicious thanksgiving. :)



Pies! Coconut Cream and Pumpkin, made by yours truly.



We also acquired and decorated our first Christmas tree in our new house. :) The last picture is of me bundled up to go out at midnight to an outlet mall. It was nuts, but I had never done it before, so it turned out to be kind of a cool experience.





And then, then day after Thanksgiving, I went out with some friends to see the "circle of lights" ceremony where they light the giant tree on the Circle in Indy.

Holidays approaching...

I realize that it's been FOREVER since we updated this thing, but since the one of us who updates has been in grad school... life's gotten busy. :) I cannot believe how fast this first semester has gone. I equally cannot believe that at this time next year, I'll be seeing clients and doing therapy for the first time. Crazy, huh? Meanwhile, I've been having a really fun time meeting/hanging out with new friends, getting involved in some cool research projects, and memorizing the nearly the whole DSM-IV-TR. (that last one is not so fun.) The 1st semester is drawing to a close, and as far as I know, I'm passing, so that's great. Everyone's already getting geared up for applying for practicum placements at the beginning of next semester, and matching with dissertation advisors in April.

Meanwhile... the house is really starting to feel like "home" now that the holidays are almost here. Adam put up lights, we winterized the lawn, I planted bulbs for the spring... It's great to have a place to come home to and not have to feel like it's only temporary. What a blessing! We're looking forward to doing a low-key thanksgiving at our house. Then I get a a WHOLE MONTH off, which is probably the best Christmas present ever, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. Sleep, probably. :)

Some exciting things coming soon:
January: niece Lilly turns 1!!
February: Alisha & Jeff's baby due
March: I'm going to Disney World for my sis' final national cheer competition, Chris & Michelle getting married!!!
June: My sis graduates high school!
August: TRIP TO GREECE!!!! Amy & Dave getting married!

I always feel like I should post pictures of things we've done, but we haven't really done anything worth documenting since the last post, so here's a picture of me trying to work, haha:

A recap of our first year as newlyweds.

Adam and I have officially been married a year. :) I won't lie, it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. In most ways, our marriage was the most stable thing in both of our lives this year, and for that I am grateful. The things we have endured together this year, both joy and pain, I feel certain I, at least, could not have endured alone. Anyway, on a lighter note, I thought I would post some photo highlights from our first year as married couple....

In october, right after we got married, we went to Kauai for our honeymoon and it was the BEST VACATION EVER.



Then we came home and we got a rabbit by accident, but we named her Lucy.



After that the next exciting thing was pretty much Christmas, which we celebrated as a married couple for the first time.



We celebrated New Year's Eve in St. Martin, which was great!



In January, after we came back, we got a new niece, born on election day, named Lily Kate Johnson.



And then in February, we went skiing/snowboarding with our good friends Mollie & Martin!



After that we pretty much just hung out until May, when we became homeowners for the first time! :)


The summer was a whirlwind of vacations, family reunions, and weddings.







After that I went to grad school, which has no accompanying pictures thus far, and then the twins turned 2....



Then finally, we celebrated our first year anniversary by going to a B&B in Brown County, Mountain Biking, and eating the top of our wedding cake. :) (Which was still really delicious, by the way!)








All in all I would say it was a pretty good year, and that we're definitely looking forward to the next one. :)

A long-overdue update

Lots is going on here in the Johnson household! We've pretty much put all the home decorating and updates on hold indefinitely, since the real work has begun around here. :) Adam and I have shifted roles slightly as a new chapter of our lives is unfolding. I am now starting my third week of grad school and am officially the "student" of the household. It has been a really busy time so far, and I am getting in the groove of reading/studying/spending time with my new classmates. I guess going into this I kind of thought it would be like college on steroids, but it's really not at all. It's a totally new type of thing, and on the first day on campus we took an oath, much like the hippocratic oath. It seemed kind of silly at the time, but it really set the precedent for the fact that we are no longer students. We are doctors in training. We are being trained to assimilate vast quantities of knowledge and also to begin thinking of ourselves as doctors, to begin thinking like clinicians. One of our professors said to us on the first day, "You may feel like your professors are asking too much of you, and that every professor thinks that their class is the most important class. Well, in a way, every class is the most important class, because every class translates into patient care, and your first patient won't be a cadaver."

So that's a little bit what my transition has been like so far. And of course there's the more practical fact that in the first two weeks, I've already gone through a ream of paper and an ink cartridge. :) We're doing about 300+ pages of reading for every week, so it's a really good think I've got a study group. And we haven't even really started doing tests/assignments yet!! At least it's all interesting. :)

Adam has shifted into the role of primary breadwinner, and I will confess that this has been a bit stressful for both of us. When I quit my job, we lost about a third of our income, so he's now in charge of the finances and has been working a lot of overtime (while searching for a new job) in order to compensate. Also with my new, erratic student schedule, it's harder to find time to be together. We did get to go home this weekend for the twins b-day, spent sometime with his parents, and then went mini-golfing/go-karting today (Labor Day) so we have a little time together. Next weekend we're going to brown county for a much-needed weekend away to celebrate our 1-year anniversary. :) Also we're getting some 1-yr anniversary photos done, so look for those to come. :)

Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but both of the birds are fully-flighted now, so that's exciting (Malcolm really enjoys testing the limits of physics and flying as close to your head as possible), and we're currently trying to match the bunny with a friend. :) We took her on a bunny date last weekend and she met Bill, who accidentally humped her head. She then attempted to claw his eyes out and came home friend-less. It was not a match. Stay tuned as we go through the rabbit version of "The Bachelorette".

The Johnson Household: Design-on-a-Dime edition

It's really hard to believe that the summer is almost over! I have orientation for school in a couple weeks, and my brother goes back to school a week from Tuesday (really early!) so I decided we should share what we've been doing all summer! Adam and I spent a lot of time apart this summer (unfortunately) while I was off doing things with my family, but when we were together, we did a lot of stuff at the house! Mostly cosmetic stuff, of course, but the house looks totally different! I thought it would be better to "show" rather than "tell", so here are the before and after shots.

The Garden
Before:


Labor Day:


Aug. 1st:


The Backyard
Before:


After:


The Living Room
Before:



After:



Kitchen
Before:


After:


Master Bed
Before:


After:


Master Bath
Before:


After:


That's the house! The office and the hall bath look pretty much the same... and I didn't take any before pictures of the guest bedroom, but it looks AWESOME and it's almost done, so stay tuned for more pictures. :)